Strong Verbs Are Just Better

Numerous men entertain the most lurid fantasies about Mrs Mills, and bombard her with letters, questionable drawings and hilarious photographs. On the other hand, there are some people, such as Ms LB of Peterborough, who are convinced that she “must be a man” and seek reassurance. Mrs Mills replied: “Only last night Mr Mills reaffirmed my essential femininity. Several times.”
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I have just begun a relationship with a man, and everything appears to be going well. However, I would like to have some outside reassurance and thought that consulting a mystic would be a good idea. Where can I find one?

Ms GFD, Eastbourne

Very sensible, as long as you remember the other important rules: never trust a man whose name begins with a vowel; never wear red before the second Sunday after Epiphany; and always put your left shoe on first (except when south of the equator). Reputable mystics can be found in tastefully decorated caravans on the outer fringes of fairgrounds. Some sceptics say they are a poor substitute for friends, but this underestimates the power of the dark side, as the great Obi-Wan Kenobi so wisely put it.
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I am convinced that evolution has developed the human brain to ask one overriding question when people see members of the opposite sex: “Would I sleep with him/her?” I believe that men have three answers to this: “Yes”, “No”, “Possibly”. What answers do women have?

Dr JW, London

As you would expect, being more complex creatures, women have myriad responses: “Now, and don’t whimper”; “This should get that tap fixed”; “Oh, go on, then”; “If you must, at least it’ll be quick”; “All right, if I can stay awake”; “Okay, you did buy dinner”; “Certainly not. Just because you bought dinner . . .”; “After the way you referred to my mother, forget it”; and “Ha, ha, ha”.
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My wife has often told me that making love to me is rather less exciting than watching paint dry. As we near one of those red-letter anniversaries, I wondered if you had any helpful suggestions.

RT, Exeter

On your anniversary, paint the bedroom ceiling.
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Lights on or off? What do you think, Mrs Mills?

RAM, Manchester

What a bizarre question. On, of course, otherwise I tend to bump into things, and I find it much easier to read.